i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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