dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
