She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
