Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
