i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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