shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
