just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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