Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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