I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
