Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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