she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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