And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
