He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
