I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
