her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
