guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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