i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
