your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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