Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You're completely useless in the revolution.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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