Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
