some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
