I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
