My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
