it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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