im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
