The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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