Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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