haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
