Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
