I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
