I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
