Too much gin, very little bucket
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
