Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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