I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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