I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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