Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
