found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
