i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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