He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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