I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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