my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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