I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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