In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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