just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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