In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
