in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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