I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize