Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
