I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
