anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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