I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
