I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
