What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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