WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
