In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
