I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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