my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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