Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
