i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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