you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
