Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
