my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
