Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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