I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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