she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
