I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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