i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
