What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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