So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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