people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
